Sunday, March 25, 2007

Heart On The Sleeves

this post is going to be back dated a bit, but suppose it is for the purpose of sharing it with my ever dearest friends, if you happen to read this post lah aright... um, for some of you who knew about it already, i've been having such a cold, freezing and numb week last school holiday. nevertheless this would be such an amazing and incredible time i had with my family. despite the coldness and the numb i've been feeling which is till now, again i felt so close with my mum and my siblings. being together in a crowded room can spark a lot of unspoken words that was hidden and kept secretly inside the hearts. funny because i seldom took all the chances i had right in front of my eyes to speak with my sister or my mum. it's not that i don't want to, it's because i just couldn't do it. when i started to open my mouth to simply say i love you mum, or i appreciate everything you did for me ma', suddenly all the words became such a blurry vision inside my mind. i don't know what sort of a game my mind is playing on me, but some how i just couldn't express my feelings that i had for her. i'm very upset about this and i tried many many times to say i'm sorry for all the bad things i did to my mum, or i missed her and i'm glad having her as my mum and the bestest mum any one could have, but again i became mute, unable to speak one word or another... it's a shame really for not having a gut to do such simple thing, for some one that is so dear to me...

but, every night before sleeping, my siblings used to say the passwords... "assalamualaikum mak/abah, selamat malam, minta ampun, minta maaf, " (while shaking and kissing my parent's hands) still i don't think it's good enough just to say i'm sorry at the end of the day. i really wanted to say i'm sorry right after i broke/hurt her feeling. (i some times didn't do it on purpose, i'm only human, tend to do stupid mistakes, so please don't judge me right away ="( ) and i wanted to tell her that at least one time a day that i love her so much, tp itulah... i cannot lah, if i can tell some one that also so dear to me almost about 10 times a day, i could definitely tell my mum one lah can? to be exact, i'm a bit shy putting my heart on my sleeves when it comes to my mum... i guess i was pretending so tough and brutal while at the same time my heart is crying inside... um, i don't know why i'm writing all this, to be exact this post should be about my holiday trip to japan... but now i don't think i could write another word any more, so i really should stop right now... the trip got to be postpone for the next entry then okay? see you on the next post...

Dearest Me,
Ain Alida

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