Confession Of A Mummy =(

• sumtimes i thought my baby is a girl. tetibe eyh, zairil ni lelaki la. aper nih? terconfius gender anak sendiri pulak. i mean, i thought al dis while im carrying a lil gal inside me tummy, bile lahir baru tawu yg im having a boy. so dats why kekadang teringtkan zairil is a lil baby gal. nxt baby, kena make sure da gender for sure sebelum tersalah feeling. im sorry hunny, from now on, ibu akan treat zairil like a boy k, sgt tough2, xmo manja2. ke ok je layan manja2? i dnt kno...
• i never chebok kan zairil. i use many2 baby wipes to clean him up. x retila nak pegang2 sambil nk basuh2 kan. takut terslip while holding him, sgt takut. so my best way to clean him by using wipes. only hp je yg terer chebok kan. not me =/
• mandikan pun letakkan dlm tub dgn yg ada pelapik tu. sgt x brani nak terbalik2 kan zairil. his back, i slightly tilt his body then rub his back. x pegang2 sambil terbalik2 kan tu. im so scared handling him around water. sangat takut la =( hp je yg mandikan sambil pegang mcm2 gaya. bukan saya =/
• sumtimes i enjoy bathing him, sumtimes x. dats da times when my bad pinggang buat hal. owh sgt sakit n i hate bathing him while holding bck da pain. dis is da time when i didnt enjoy motherhood, sorry hunny =( and dis is da time hp take over. but no matter wat, ibu sayang sangat zairil ok munchkin...
• always worried whether zairil gets enough nutrient for his growth. tp rasanye cukupla sbb dia membesar sehat je kan? sume pun ckp zairil tersgtla sehat. to me, he's not chubby sgt kan? sedap pegang jadila, padat dan geram utk dipeluk2.
• i felt almost 8 months to say dat im fully recovered from labour. bile nak ckp dah totaly sehat je, tetiba rasa i had dis weird feeling alover, sakit mcm dlm pantang, i dnt knola if its my feeling jer. da back pain, sakit pinggang sgtla on and off. baru nk rasa baik, tetiba adoyai, shoot here we go again. total hall!!! but to date, im fine now, hopefully i will be fine sbb kesian si kecil il be all grumpy while im handling him =(
• ive to wear homewear sandals all da time after givin birth. i mean b4 dis kaki tersgtla panas je, stokin is da last thg i wana wear. tp pki stokin agak leceh, so i just wear da slipper jerla. is it normal da legs to feel crampy and itchy especially when da weather get cold?
• constantly thinking of his bottles, sume botol2 susu mestila berada di dlm bekasnya all da time. bile dah pki satu, mula rasa itchy n kena tunggu lg dua botol kena pakai so dat i can steam it together. sgtla membazirkan elektrik klu steam sekali sebotol. so kena hold on dulu sampai dah cukup, baru steam. then mulala risau x cukup botol susu. rasa nak beli lg je, tp dah ada 6 botol susu, cukupla kan? i dnt kno...
• during da time when i was stil pregnant, always bising dkt hp bout my belly button yg x pop out lg. smpila zairil lahir, da button didnt pop. and guess wat, turnout dat si kecilnye lil button yg pop out! im so worried n sedeh sgt coz evrytime he wana poop, da button will pop to da max and he looks in so much pain! i pray to Allah, to forgive my mindless thought, then follow tip mcm tuk buat. letak syiling dkt itu pusat, and alhamdulillah he can poop easily and da button finaly didnt pop out! nxt time ain, sila jaga mulut eyh, jgn mintak yg bukan2 ok!
• again while pregnant, i always bising about why am i not having any strech marks on my tummy? still waiting for da marks to come so dat i can keep on complaining about it. tp xde pun, so x dpt nak complain. ntah hape2 i kno, tp nak jugakla rasa mcm mana strech marks yg many mommies keep on complaining about. so dat i can too complain bout it. nxt thg i knew, its hp yg ada dis strange lines on his legs. again ain, plz jgnla mintak yg bukan2!!!
• always worried evrythg bout si kecil. i mean, i always pray to be a good mother, i hope to become a good mother. but i always question myself, am i doing enuf? am i being da mother dat si kecil want me to be? worried will he loves me unconditionaly? argh byknye nk risau, rileks jer boleh x? just be da best n do da best n evrythg will be fine ok? dnt worry to much, bcoz it wont do no good. so keep up da smiley face, teruskan usaha, aja aja fighting!!!

these are da thgs dat clouded my mind al da time! ntah hape2 i kno, tp mcm nak jugak pk n risau ntah hape2. so far, hp kata im doin good. n he knows im doing my best. and dis is da best dat i can do. till here, will write more, tp nanti2la eyh. take care evryone, i miss you so much net like always. till we meet again =)